Saturday, November 3, 2018

Surprised By Joy

Surprised by Joy

by William Wordsworth

 

Surprised by joy — impatient as the Wind

I turned to share the transport — Oh! with whom

But thee, deep buried in the silent tomb,

That spot which no vicissitude can find?

Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind —

But how could I forget thee? Through what power,

Even for the least division of an hour,

Have I been so beguiled as to be blind

To my most grievous loss! — That thought’s return

Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,

Save one, only one, when I stood forlorn,

Knowing my heart’s best treasure was no more;

That neither present time, nor years unborn

Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Life In a #MeToo World: To My Brothers

Part 3 in a series. For context: Part 1: One Woman's Experience, and Part 2: To My Sisters



You, my Brothers, are under fire. Probably from multiple angles, depending on how many of these descriptors apply to you: straight, white, American, wealthy, Christian. You might be assumed to be a homophobic, racist, xenophobic, intolerant, misogynist seeking to actively oppress...merely by belonging to any of those categories. That, of course, is unjust. It's tiring to have the worst possible motives assigned to you at every turn and is therefore NOT my intent to pile on or bash you, individually or collectively, for your maleness. The fact that you are a man does not make you The Enemy.

At the same time, we would all be foolish to deny that the current heightened conversation around privilege and power, specifically as embodied in the #MeToo movement, has risen out of and is legitimized by the negative life experiences of countless women, and cannot be ignored. This volatile, hyper-sensitized "new world" likely feels unsettling and unfamiliar. You may not know how to navigate it, but discomfort and uncertainty are the perpetual companions of change and we desperately need change. The reality is that the women of the #MeToo movement as a whole, gain nothing from turning the tables and demoralizing or minimizing you. That doesn't mean some won't try to do that, but many of us have fathers, husbands, sons, and male friends we care deeply about, and are not out to destroy men. You are not only a necessary agent in fostering the change we seek, but you may be our most crucial ally. We need you.

Because I also fit some of the descriptors above (white, American, Christian), I too have experienced how difficult it can be to hear...I mean REALLY hear...narratives other than my own and which my own experiences seem to invalidate. It's uncomfortable. Unnerving even. Those narratives usually come from someone who is wholly "other" - other race, other nationality, other gender, other generation, other social strata, other belief system - and otherness can be hard to access in meaningful ways. That "otherness" springs from disparate experiences which have shaped our view of and our way of being in the world. We operate inside belief systems and cultures that are so familiar to us that we DON"T EVEN RECOGNIZE how our beliefs, words, attitudes, and actions can hurt others. We acclimate to what we know and become blind to the ways our system diminishes, ignores, silences, or even denigrates the voices of those who cry out against it. Is it even possible to step outside of our norms to hear, see, and understand the other? I believe it is, but not without great effort and intentionality.

What can you as a man do? Have you been put in a no-win situation? I don't think so. Here's how you might begin:

Learn to Listen
Entering into another's perspective starts by hearing them. Only through listening, WITHOUT DEFENDING MYSELF OR A SYSTEM THAT IS SAID TO FAVOR ME, and listening again, and listening again, until I hear and feel what my brother or sister feels will I begin to understand the need for change. I encourage you to hold back your urge to defend, counter-attack, or dismiss. Instead:
  • Meditate on the stories and quotes of those with whom you disagree.
  • Check your instinct to ignore stories that elicit an immediate "that can't be true" or "that's a mischaracterization" or "that's hyperbolic" from your heart or mouth.
  • Remind yourself that just because you would never do such a thing, doesn't mean no man would or hasn't. Remind yourself that many likable, highly-regarded men have proven to be unapologetic scoundrels.
  • Pay special attention to those whose narratives make you squirm. In that place where you don't WANT to listen, is the place your ears can be trained to really hear.
  • Resist the temptation to latch onto narratives of women who deny a problem exists and then claim it as the only possible truth ("aha!...here is a REASONABLE woman who should be listened to!") merely because her perspective coincides with your own. As I pointed out in a prior post, our reasons for doing so can be various and potentially complex (mine certainly were). The fact that some women have either not experienced any abusive behavior from men, or have denied, suppressed, or overcome it, does not nullify the grief of countless women who have been abused, rejected, oppressed, put out, silenced, dehumanized, or otherwise poorly served by the prevailing culture.
Labor to Understand
Rather than lament your cause, embrace the opportunity at hand. You have the chance, perhaps for the first time ever, to personally and collectively experience what it means to be oppressed. Do you realize that the current cries of "everything we do now is scrutinized and misinterpreted" or "we can't even exist in the world without accusation and assumption of guilt" or "my motives are assumed and questioned at every turn" are cries of "voicelessness" and a primary defining experience of the oppressed? Being disregarded, mocked, caricatured, and silenced are chains which women of the #MeToo movement are striving to break. You are being handed a golden opportunity to CREATE THE MOST GOOD out of this difficult moment by genuinely UNDERSTANDING what it means to be innocent and have aspersion cast on you. Seize the opportunity to learn the beautiful painful lesson of deep-seated empathy by entering into others' experiences of oppression. Use this opportunity to gain the wisdom that comes from being pushed down.

Look in The Mirror
Are you innocent? Perhaps. Even if you have no egregious violations of women in your history, I encourage you to examine your own heart for previously unrecognized beliefs, perspectives, attitudes, or assumptions, that minimize, objectify, trivialize, utilitize, or otherwise overtly or subtly leave (or put) women "in their place." Be brave enough to topple the status quo. Shine light in every corner to expose dark deeds and don't refuse to acknowledge what you find. Labor to recognize the ways personal attitudes and institutional systems have intentionally or inadvertently fostered conditions that have allowed so many misdeeds to thrive.

Live in Love
A life of love moves beyond listening, learning, and looking in the mirror. A relentless underlying desire for healing and peace and reconciliation demands more. In the same way my black brothers and sisters need me (because I am not black) to help break the bonds of systemic injustice; just as refugees need me (because I am not displaced) to help break the bonds of exile; my sisters all around the world and I need our Brothers (because you are not women) to help break our bonds.

This is exceedingly difficult as it requires sustained attention, dismantling of assumptions, an endless well of empathy, and the desire, will, and energy to change. It is wearying, and sometimes feels impossible. But I don't believe it IS.

At this moment in history, the greater burden is on you, Brothers. And I believe many of you are up for the challenge. I believe we can move toward each other with wisdom and genuine care so that we can all move toward that place of shalom we long for.

Friday, September 21, 2018

The Existential Angst of an Unemployed 53-Year Old

On September 17, my 18-week sabbatical from gainful employment came to a halt.  I spent the early days of those 18 weeks in a state of mild existential angst that is probably more appropriate for a 22-year-old.  Who am I?  What is my purpose at this juncture of life?  What am I seeking?  What does God want from me?  What am I equipped to do?  What kind of work suits me? What are the desires of my heart?  How do those things line up with what is necessary (like paying the bills)?

I came to a very simple conclusion:  I want Joy, Rest, and Good Work.  These are good things in keeping with my Created design, so there is no reason not to seek them.

Joy grows in the soil of gratitude for the good gifts of life, especially healthy relationships and meaningful participation in community.

Rest comes from recounting the way the Lord has taken care of his own (including me) in the past.  This remembrance calms my restlessness and gives me confidence about the future.  

Both joy and rest are formed and nourished by the liturgy of Christian worship, and shape our way of seeing, understanding, and being in the world.  The ritual of being received into the presence of a Divine Father, joining with the saints in praise and confession, being assured of absolution, hearing God’s voice through the reading of His Word, giving thanks together around the Table, being sent out with a blessing to do good work; there is a beautiful mutuality, a giving and a receiving in these rituals – these acts transforms us from “bent hnau” into creatures with a eucharistic “bent.”  They foster joy and rest.

Defining Good Work was more complex but, ultimately, I concluded that for me, Good Work brings flourishing to the community, nurtures souls, furthers Christ-centered kingdom life, and shines hope in the midst of brokenness. 

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Worth Fighting For

"He shows me the best of what life has to offer...mostly in encouraging me to fight for a soft heart."

In the midst of joy, success, certainty, heartache, disappointment, anger, grief, and confusion, a soft heart is always worth fighting for.  Always.



Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Life In a #MeToo World: Part 2 - To My Sisters


In spite of my experiences growing up in a #MeToo culture, there was a time when I would have scoffed at the current movement.  However absurd that may sound, facing the narrative and its implications was fraught with risks and felt unsettling.  Any time our views of the world topple, forcing us to re-examine our foundational beliefs, we are left floundering in quicksand with no guarantee we will regain our footing before we are swallowed up.  It feels infinitely safer to  avoid that struggle...to pull ourselves up by the proverbial bootstraps and keep moving.  That's exactly what I did for decades.  By isolating each incident, I failed to view them as part of a narrative arc that revealed an unhealthy, potentially ominous, underlying cultural mindset.  The emergence of the recent movement made it impossible for me to ignore that any longer.

When we can no longer deny the reality, what do we do next?  Where do we go from here?  That depends on where we are in our journey.  Most of us likely fall into one of the following categories:  The Unscathed, The Reluctant, The Hurting, and The Crusaders.  Each carries unique risks and responsibilities.

To the Unscathed:
To those who have managed to navigate life apart from any personal #MeToo moments, I encourage you to be thankful.   You are likely traveling lighter than many of your sisters.

Our stories might make you feel uncomfortable, suspicious, or judgmental, but it's immensely helpful if you can remain ready to listen, believe, and support us.  Chances are, behind the stories we willingly share, lurk deeper stories we are not quite ready to unearth.  Receptive hearts increase the likelihood we will eventually confront our stories in a way that leads to healing and hope.  It's particularly disheartening to have our own kind dismiss our concerns.  We need you in our corner.

To the Reluctant:
To those who hesitate to share your stories, I understand.  But I encourage you to be brave.  

Perhaps you are reluctant because you fear being branded as fragile, overly-sensitive, or reactionary.  You may be rejected, belittled, disbelieved, or ridiculed.  You might even be labeled as guilty.  Worst of all, you might simply be ignored.

Perhaps you don't share because you pride yourself in your resilience.  I get that too.  While strength is an admirable quality, silence does nothing to illuminate and reshape the culture and may even, unwittingly, enable it.  

Perhaps your reluctance stems from the deeply personal nature of your story or a lingering sense of shame.  I believe there has never been a safer time to speak up.  Some very brave souls in very public cases have stormed the front lines and shouldered these same risks to pave the way for more of us to do the same.  

Shared stories create solidarity.  Solidarity cultivates courage.  Courage breeds action.  Action fuels reform.  For the sake of those  sisters whose hurts have been more significant than ours, or who don't have the internal reserves to power through, let's be brave together.  

To The Hurting:
To my sisters who have already faced (and maybe even shared) your stories but remain overwhelmed, confused, angry, weary, or downtrodden, I'm sorry.  Don't stop fighting!  This road can be long and arduous, but you've already demonstrated that you are strong enough to survive.  Let that same strength guide you through the grieving process toward healing.  I encourage you to seek out the stories of women who have found hope and new life on the other side and add your name to their ranks!  However long it takes, it's worth the effort.

To the Crusaders:
To those who are further down the road and working in any capacity to champion cultural reform, thank you.  I'm particularly thankful for those who, without minimizing the brokenness, refuse to advocate for reform by denigrating the male population.  Doing so might feel justified.  It might even  serve to shift the balance of power, but it won't bring about a better world.  They too inherited this culture and have, to varying degrees, been shaped by or contributed to it, wittingly or unwittingly.  Alienating them is counter-productive because genuine, lasting reform will require harmonious efforts to expose both blatant and subtle mindsets, to change our vocabulary, to transform our habits, and to foster deep-seated mutual respect.  We need our brothers on our side too!  

One exemplary figure from whom we can draw courage, is Rachael Denhollander, whose efforts recently thrust her into the public eye.  After years of intense behind-the-scenes work, repeated rejection, and in the midst of continued criticism, she stays the course.  Despite accusations that she is in it for money, despite losing friends along the way, and despite being told her status as a victim sullies her advocacy efforts, she remains articulate and unwavering in her calls for justice, as well as institutional and cultural reform. The righteous anger in her voice is unmistakable, yet she is a lighthouse of grace.  Her harshest words are reserved for those in positions of authority who have created and continue to defend systems that have birthed and nurtured the conditions that allow #MeToo behavior to flourish.  She derives her resilience largely from her determination to create a safer world for women and girls.    

Imagine with me what might be if we persist.  If we refuse to give up.  If we channel our collective energy toward healing the brokenness.  As Rachael has so poignantly stated, the lives of all the little girls coming after us, are worth it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Le Cafe


Le Café
by: Lori Waggoner
Palm to palm.
Eye to eye.
Sharing black coffee
And fresh peach pie.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Life In A #MeToo World: Part 1 - One Woman's Experience

Her mother, at age 4, was sexually abused by a relative.

Her innocent 7 and 8-year-old sisters encountered an exhibitionist neighbor who exposed himself to them while they were riding bikes in the neighborhood.

Her 11-year-old sister was approached by a pedophile who pulled his car up to their house under the guise of asking for help while exposing and stimulating himself.

Her 5th grade friend was sexually assaulted by a third friend's father while the three spent the night in his home.

Her intellectually disabled aunt was sexually abused as a teen by one of her trusted primary care givers.

Her 16-year-old sister was pursued and propositioned by a trusted youth pastor.

Her teenaged friends and acquaintances - well over a dozen of them - were pursued, propositioned, and abused by this same youth pastor who retained his position of authority.

Her high school Bible teacher sexually abused multiple co-students.

Her pastor sensually massaged her shoulders while teaching her how to develop film in a darkroom at age 13.

Her boss forced her against the wall and pressed his middle-aged body into hers while praising her 21-year-old figure.

Her roommate was raped and murdered in their shared home.

Her friend and co-worker was assaulted and raped in the safety of her own home just two weeks later.

All before her 25th birthday.

She doesn’t yet talk publicly about the second 25 years in order to protect those who aren’t ready for exposure, but abuses of sexuality and authority have remained a consistent thread in her narrative.  As you might imagine, she sometimes finds living and loving in that world a wearisome task. When her struggles appear to me to be unnecessarily prolonged, I step back and see the slow-growing good that signals light, and growth, and  glory, and transformation and know that even her small victories are hard won mercies.

She trusts slowly, but continues to engage the world around her.  

She is a fortress of defense mechanisms, yet labors to be vulnerable. 

She tirelessly uproots bitterness so it will not choke out beauty in the garden of her heart. 

She is predisposed to fight but desires to be gentle.

She expends a great deal of energy taming her pervasive cynicism with intentional gratitude.

She appears tough and strong and self-sufficient, but mostly to guard the underlying fragility.

She fiercely longs for that day when “everything sad will come untrue.”

In the meantime, she strives to shed light in the dark spaces and be a conduit for healing and hope for the vulnerable.

I know this about her...

Because She is Me.



Monday, June 25, 2018

On Getting Dressed

I iron the linen jacket with precision, careful to form the perfect crease down the sleeve.   

Twenty minutes after I don the day’s outfit, carefully selected to communicate just the right message, I experience one of those frequent self-awareness epiphanies, AKA: over-thinking.

The Context:
I’m heading to a Chef’s Panel for food entrepreneurs who want to understand the unique needs of starting a food pod in an upcoming trendy food hall at the newly renovated St. Louis Foundry.  I’m attending because I love creating satisfying food experiences, especially for an appreciative “audience.”  Offspring and relatives who are palate-challenged don’t qualify.  I have dreamt of monetizing my love for the culinary arts for more than a decade, but I don’t really know what it takes to get started and to create a sustainable food business, so I’m hoping to absorb enough understanding to either strike that longtime dream from my imagination, or to empower me to take the plunge.  The food hall model seems like it might require a smaller upfront investment (one I can afford) and a much smaller footprint to maintain, both of which appeal to me. 

The Message:
The form-fitting, ankle jeans are intended to communicate that I don’t take myself too seriously, because entrepreneurs don’t do that, you know.  They don’t need the glamour of a suit to impress you because...IDEAS.

The nude-colored suede heels say I’m trendy enough to create something of-the-moment, but the lines are classic enough to quell any suspicion that I’m a fly-by-night whose ability to remain both relevant and focused will be quickly depleted.

The white v-neck bow tie blouse, coupled with the carefully pressed linen jacket, emit a serious-business-woman vibe.  I’m no rookie. Don’t mess with me.  I’m not here for the free appetizers and booze.  I know what I want.    

The Epiphany:
It’s summertime in The Lou, so of course it’s 95 degrees with 72% humidity.  Why in the world do I feel compelled to wear this jacket?  Could I communicate the same message without the jacket?  The simple answer is already known to me but the implications of the answer are psychologically complex.  Without the jacket I feel exposed and more vulnerable to criticism.  Are my intentions less serious and my ideas more flimsy without the jacket?  No.  But the jacket hides my insecurities about the imperfections of my aging body, which mirror my insecurities about the validity of my ideas and whether, at 52, I have the stamina to infuse life into those ideas.  The jacket is merely a superficial mask.  With triumphal flare, I remove the jacket and cast it onto the bed.   

I am enough.  My ideas are solid.  These bodily imperfections are hard won revelations of a long journey.  I am confident.  I am secure.  I can do this.  I. AM. WOMAN.  

The End:
Thirty minutes later, I confidently head out the door on my big adventure dressed in jeans, heels, blouse and...my linen jacket.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

On The Beauty of the World

"They [young preachers] learned to have a very high opinion of God and a very low opinion of His works -- although they could tell you that this world had been made by God Himself.  

What they didn't see was that it was beautiful.  Most of the  young preachers knew Port William only as it theoretically was (lost) and as it theoretically might be (saved).  And they wanted us all to do our part to spread this bad news to others who had not heard it. 

Those world-condemning sermons were preached to people who, on Sunday mornings, would wear their prettiest clothes.  The people who heard those sermons loved good crops, good gardens, good livestock; they loved flowers and the shade of trees, and laughter and music; some of them could make you a fair speech on the pleasure of a good drink of water or a patch of wild raspberries.  While the wickedness of the flesh was preached from the pulpit, the young husbands and wives and the courting couples sat thigh to thigh, full of yearning and joy, and the old people thought of the beauty of children.  And when church was over they would go home to Heavenly dinners of fried chicken and creamed new potatoes and hot biscuits and butter and cherry pie and sweet milk and buttermilk.  The preacher and his family would always be invited to eat with somebody and, having just foresworn the joys of the flesh, would eat with unconsecrated relish.

The people didn't really want to be saints of self-deprivation and hatred of the world.  They knew that the world would sooner or later deprive them of all it had given them, but still they liked it.  What they came together for was to acknowledge, just by coming, their losses and failures and sorrows, their need for comfort, their faith always needing to be greater, their wish (in spite of all words and acts to the contrary) to love one another and to forgive and be forgiven, their need for one another's help and company and divine gifts, their hope (and experience) of love surpassing death, their gratitude."   

--Jayber Crow, Wendell Berry

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Wisdom from Mary Anne Evans (AKA: George Eliot)

Adam Bede: Chapter 17
In which the story pauses a little...


“THIS Rector of Broxton is little better than a pagan!” I hear one of my readers exclaim. “How much more edifying it would have been if you had made him give Arthur some truly spiritual advice! You might have put into his mouth the most beautiful things—quite as good as reading a sermon.” 
    
Certainly I could, if I held it the highest vocation of the novelist to represent things as they never have been and never will be. Then, of course, I might refashion life and character entirely after my own liking; I might select the most unexceptionable type of clergyman and put my own admirable opinions into his mouth on all occasions. But it happens, on the contrary, that my strongest effort is to avoid any such arbitrary picture, and to give a faithful account of men and things as they have mirrored themselves in my mind. The mirror is doubtless defective, the outlines will sometimes be disturbed, the reflection faint or confused; but I feel as much bound to tell you as precisely as I can what that reflection is, as if I were in the witness-box, narrating my experience on oath. 
   
Sixty years ago—it is a long time, so no wonder things have changed—all clergymen were not zealous; indeed, there is reason to believe that the number of zealous clergymen was small, and it is probable that if one among the small minority had owned the livings of Broxton and Hayslope in the year 1799, you would have liked him no better than you like Mr. Irwine. Ten to one, you would have thought him a tasteless, indiscreet, methodistical man. It is so very rarely that facts hit that nice medium required by our own enlightened opinions and refined taste! Perhaps you will say, “Do improve the facts a little, then; make them more accordant with those correct views which it is our privilege to possess. The world is not just what we like; do touch it up with a tasteful pencil, and make believe it is not quite such a mixed entangled affair. Let all people who hold unexceptionable opinions act unexceptionably. Let your most faulty characters always be on the wrong side, and your virtuous ones on the right. Then we shall see at a glance whom we are to condemn and whom we are to approve. Then we shall be able to admire, without the slightest disturbance of our prepossessions: we shall hate and despise with that true ruminant relish which belongs to undoubting confidence.” 
    
But, my good friend, what will you do then with your fellow-parishioner who opposes your husband in the vestry? With your newly appointed vicar, whose style of preaching you find painfully below that of his regretted predecessor? With the honest servant who worries your soul with her one failing? With your neighbour, Mrs. Green, who was really kind to you in your last illness, but has said several ill-natured things about you since your convalescence? Nay, with your excellent husband himself, who has other irritating habits besides that of not wiping his shoes? These fellow-mortals, every one, must be accepted as they are: you can neither straighten their noses, nor brighten their wit, nor rectify their dispositions; and it is these people—amongst whom your life is passed—that it is needful you should tolerate, pity, and love: it is these more or less ugly, stupid, inconsistent people whose movements of goodness you should be able to admire—for whom you should cherish all possible hopes, all possible patience. And I would not, even if I had the choice, be the clever novelist who could create a world so much better than this, in which we get up in the morning to do our daily work, that you would be likely to turn a harder, colder eye on the dusty streets and the common green fields—on the real breathing men and women, who can be chilled by your indifference or injured by your prejudice; who can be cheered and helped onward by your fellow-feeling, your forbearance, your outspoken, brave justice. 
   
So I am content to tell my simple story, without trying to make things seem better than they were; dreading nothing, indeed, but falsity, which, in spite of one's best efforts, there is reason to dread. Falsehood is so easy, truth so difficult. The pencil is conscious of a delightful facility in drawing a griffin—the longer the claws, and the larger the wings, the better; but that marvellous facility which we mistook for genius is apt to forsake us when we want to draw a real unexaggerated lion. Examine your words well, and you will find that even when you have no motive to be false, it is a very hard thing to say the exact truth, even about your own immediate feelings—much harder than to say something fine about them which is NOT the exact truth. 
   
It is for this rare, precious quality of truthfulness that I delight in many Dutch paintings, which lofty-minded people despise. I find a source of delicious sympathy in these faithful pictures of a monotonous homely existence, which has been the fate of so many more among my fellow-mortals than a life of pomp or of absolute indigence, of tragic suffering or of world-stirring actions. I turn, without shrinking, from cloud-borne angels, from prophets, sibyls, and heroic warriors, to an old woman bending over her flower-pot, or eating her solitary dinner, while the noonday light, softened perhaps by a screen of leaves, falls on her mob-cap, and just touches the rim of her spinning-wheel, and her stone jug, and all those cheap common things which are the precious necessaries of life to her—or I turn to that village wedding, kept between four brown walls, where an awkward bridegroom opens the dance with a high-shouldered, broad-faced bride, while elderly and middle-aged friends look on, with very irregular noses and lips, and probably with quart-pots in their hands, but with an expression of unmistakable contentment and goodwill. “Foh!” says my idealistic friend, “what vulgar details! What good is there in taking all these pains to give an exact likeness of old women and clowns? What a low phase of life! What clumsy, ugly people!” 
    
But bless us, things may be lovable that are not altogether handsome, I hope? I am not at all sure that the majority of the human race have not been ugly, and even among those “lords of their kind,” the British, squat figures, ill-shapen nostrils, and dingy complexions are not startling exceptions. Yet there is a great deal of family love amongst us. I have a friend or two whose class of features is such that the Apollo curl on the summit of their brows would be decidedly trying; yet to my certain knowledge tender hearts have beaten for them, and their miniatures—flattering, but still not lovely—are kissed in secret by motherly lips. I have seen many an excellent matron, who could have never in her best days have been handsome, and yet she had a packet of yellow love-letters in a private drawer, and sweet children showered kisses on her sallow cheeks. And I believe there have been plenty of young heroes, of middle stature and feeble beards, who have felt quite sure they could never love anything more insignificant than a Diana, and yet have found themselves in middle life happily settled with a wife who waddles. Yes! Thank God; human feeling is like the mighty rivers that bless the earth: it does not wait for beauty—it flows with resistless force and brings beauty with it. 
   
All honour and reverence to the divine beauty of form! Let us cultivate it to the utmost in men, women, and children—in our gardens and in our houses. But let us love that other beauty too, which lies in no secret of proportion, but in the secret of deep human sympathy. Paint us an angel, if you can, with a floating violet robe, and a face paled by the celestial light; paint us yet oftener a Madonna, turning her mild face upward and opening her arms to welcome the divine glory; but do not impose on us any aesthetic rules which shall banish from the region of Art those old women scraping carrots with their work-worn hands, those heavy clowns taking holiday in a dingy pot-house, those rounded backs and stupid weather-beaten faces that have bent over the spade and done the rough work of the world—those homes with their tin pans, their brown pitchers, their rough curs, and their clusters of onions. In this world there are so many of these common coarse people, who have no picturesque sentimental wretchedness! It is so needful we should remember their existence, else we may happen to leave them quite out of our religion and philosophy and frame lofty theories which only fit a world of extremes. Therefore, let Art always remind us of them; therefore let us always have men ready to give the loving pains of a life to the faithful representing of commonplace things—men who see beauty in these commonplace things, and delight in showing how kindly the light of heaven falls on them. There are few prophets in the world; few sublimely beautiful women; few heroes. I can't afford to give all my love and reverence to such rarities: I want a great deal of those feelings for my every-day fellow-men, especially for the few in the foreground of the great multitude, whose faces I know, whose hands I touch, for whom I have to make way with kindly courtesy. Neither are picturesque lazzaroni or romantic criminals half so frequent as your common labourer, who gets his own bread and eats it vulgarly but creditably with his own pocket-knife. It is more needful that I should have a fibre of sympathy connecting me with that vulgar citizen who weighs out my sugar in a vilely assorted cravat and waistcoat, than with the handsomest rascal in red scarf and green feathers—more needful that my heart should swell with loving admiration at some trait of gentle goodness in the faulty people who sit at the same hearth with me, or in the clergyman of my own parish, who is perhaps rather too corpulent and in other respects is not an Oberlin or a Tillotson, than at the deeds of heroes whom I shall never know except by hearsay, or at the sublimest abstract of all clerical graces that was ever conceived by an able novelist. 
   
And so I come back to Mr. Irwine, with whom I desire you to be in perfect charity, far as he may be from satisfying your demands on the clerical character. Perhaps you think he was not—as he ought to have been—a living demonstration of the benefits attached to a national church? But I am not sure of that; at least I know that the people in Broxton and Hayslope would have been very sorry to part with their clergyman, and that most faces brightened at his approach; and until it can be proved that hatred is a better thing for the soul than love, I must believe that Mr. Irwine's influence in his parish was a more wholesome one than that of the zealous Mr. Ryde, who came there twenty years afterwards, when Mr. Irwine had been gathered to his fathers. It is true, Mr. Ryde insisted strongly on the doctrines of the Reformation, visited his flock a great deal in their own homes, and was severe in rebuking the aberrations of the flesh—put a stop, indeed, to the Christmas rounds of the church singers, as promoting drunkenness and too light a handling of sacred things. But I gathered from Adam Bede, to whom I talked of these matters in his old age, that few clergymen could be less successful in winning the hearts of their parishioners than Mr. Ryde. They learned a great many notions about doctrine from him, so that almost every church-goer under fifty began to distinguish as well between the genuine gospel and what did not come precisely up to that standard, as if he had been born and bred a Dissenter; and for some time after his arrival there seemed to be quite a religious movement in that quiet rural district. “But,” said Adam, “I've seen pretty clear, ever since I was a young un, as religion's something else besides notions. It isn't notions sets people doing the right thing—it's feelings. It's the same with the notions in religion as it is with math'matics—a man may be able to work problems straight off in's head as he sits by the fire and smokes his pipe, but if he has to make a machine or a building, he must have a will and a resolution and love something else better than his own ease. Somehow, the congregation began to fall off, and people began to speak light o' Mr. Ryde. I believe he meant right at bottom; but, you see, he was sourish-tempered, and was for beating down prices with the people as worked for him; and his preaching wouldn't go down well with that sauce. And he wanted to be like my lord judge i' the parish, punishing folks for doing wrong; and he scolded 'em from the pulpit as if he'd been a Ranter, and yet he couldn't abide the Dissenters, and was a deal more set against 'em than Mr. Irwine was. And then he didn't keep within his income, for he seemed to think at first go-off that six hundred a-year was to make him as big a man as Mr. Donnithorne. That's a sore mischief I've often seen with the poor curates jumping into a bit of a living all of a sudden. Mr. Ryde was a deal thought on at a distance, I believe, and he wrote books, but as for math'matics and the natur o' things, he was as ignorant as a woman. He was very knowing about doctrines, and used to call 'em the bulwarks of the Reformation; but I've always mistrusted that sort o' learning as leaves folks foolish and unreasonable about business. Now Mester Irwine was as different as could be: as quick!—he understood what you meant in a minute, and he knew all about building, and could see when you'd made a good job. And he behaved as much like a gentleman to the farmers, and th' old women, and the labourers, as he did to the gentry. You never saw HIM interfering and scolding, and trying to play th' emperor. Ah, he was a fine man as ever you set eyes on; and so kind to's mother and sisters. That poor sickly Miss Anne—he seemed to think more of her than of anybody else in the world. There wasn't a soul in the parish had a word to say against him; and his servants stayed with him till they were so old and pottering, he had to hire other folks to do their work.” 
    
“Well,” I said, “that was an excellent way of preaching in the weekdays; but I daresay, if your old friend Mr. Irwine were to come to life again, and get into the pulpit next Sunday, you would be rather ashamed that he didn't preach better after all your praise of him.” 
    
“Nay, nay,” said Adam, broadening his chest and throwing himself back in his chair, as if he were ready to meet all inferences, “nobody has ever heard me say Mr. Irwine was much of a preacher. He didn't go into deep speritial experience; and I know there s a deal in a man's inward life as you can't measure by the square, and say, 'Do this and that 'll follow,' and, 'Do that and this 'll follow.' There's things go on in the soul, and times when feelings come into you like a rushing mighty wind, as the Scripture says, and part your life in two a'most, so you look back on yourself as if you was somebody else. Those are things as you can't bottle up in a 'do this' and 'do that'; and I'll go so far with the strongest Methodist ever you'll find. That shows me there's deep speritial things in religion. You can't make much out wi' talking about it, but you feel it. Mr. Irwine didn't go into those things—he preached short moral sermons, and that was all. But then he acted pretty much up to what he said; he didn't set up for being so different from other folks one day, and then be as like 'em as two peas the next. And he made folks love him and respect him, and that was better nor stirring up their gall wi' being overbusy. Mrs. Poyser used to say—you know she would have her word about everything—she said, Mr. Irwine was like a good meal o' victual, you were the better for him without thinking on it, and Mr. Ryde was like a dose o' physic, he gripped you and worreted you, and after all he left you much the same.” 
    
“But didn't Mr. Ryde preach a great deal more about that spiritual part of religion that you talk of, Adam? Couldn't you get more out of his sermons than out of Mr. Irwine's?” 
    
“Eh, I knowna. He preached a deal about doctrines. But I've seen pretty clear, ever since I was a young un, as religion's something else besides doctrines and notions. I look at it as if the doctrines was like finding names for your feelings, so as you can talk of 'em when you've never known 'em, just as a man may talk o' tools when he knows their names, though he's never so much as seen 'em, still less handled 'em. I've heard a deal o' doctrine i' my time, for I used to go after the Dissenting preachers along wi' Seth, when I was a lad o' seventeen, and got puzzling myself a deal about th' Arminians and the Calvinists. The Wesleyans, you know, are strong Arminians; and Seth, who could never abide anything harsh and was always for hoping the best, held fast by the Wesleyans from the very first; but I thought I could pick a hole or two in their notions, and I got disputing wi' one o' the class leaders down at Treddles'on, and harassed him so, first o' this side and then o' that, till at last he said, 'Young man, it's the devil making use o' your pride and conceit as a weapon to war against the simplicity o' the truth.' I couldn't help laughing then, but as I was going home, I thought the man wasn't far wrong. I began to see as all this weighing and sifting what this text means and that text means, and whether folks are saved all by God's grace, or whether there goes an ounce o' their own will to't, was no part o' real religion at all. You may talk o' these things for hours on end, and you'll only be all the more coxy and conceited for't. So I took to going nowhere but to church, and hearing nobody but Mr. Irwine, for he said nothing but what was good and what you'd be the wiser for remembering. And I found it better for my soul to be humble before the mysteries o' God's dealings, and not be making a clatter about what I could never understand. And they're poor foolish questions after all; for what have we got either inside or outside of us but what comes from God? If we've got a resolution to do right, He gave it us, I reckon, first or last; but I see plain enough we shall never do it without a resolution, and that's enough for me.” 
    
Adam, you perceive, was a warm admirer, perhaps a partial judge, of Mr. Irwine, as, happily, some of us still are of the people we have known familiarly. Doubtless it will be despised as a weakness by that lofty order of minds who pant after the ideal, and are oppressed by a general sense that their emotions are of too exquisite a character to find fit objects among their everyday fellowmen. I have often been favoured with the confidence of these select natures, and find them to concur in the experience that great men are overestimated and small men are insupportable; that if you would love a woman without ever looking back on your love as a folly, she must die while you are courting her; and if you would maintain the slightest belief in human heroism, you must never make a pilgrimage to see the hero. I confess I have often meanly shrunk from confessing to these accomplished and acute gentlemen what my own experience has been. I am afraid I have often smiled with hypocritical assent, and gratified them with an epigram on the fleeting nature of our illusions, which any one moderately acquainted with French literature can command at a moment's notice. Human converse, I think some wise man has remarked, is not rigidly sincere. But I herewith discharge my conscience, and declare that I have had quite enthusiastic movements of admiration towards old gentlemen who spoke the worst English, who were occasionally fretful in their temper, and who had never moved in a higher sphere of influence than that of parish overseer; and that the way in which I have come to the conclusion that human nature is lovable—the way I have learnt something of its deep pathos, its sublime mysteries—has been by living a great deal among people more or less commonplace and vulgar, of whom you would perhaps hear nothing very surprising if you were to inquire about them in the neighbourhoods where they dwelt. Ten to one most of the small shopkeepers in their vicinity saw nothing at all in them. For I have observed this remarkable coincidence, that the select natures who pant after the ideal, and find nothing in pantaloons or petticoats great enough to command their reverence and love, are curiously in unison with the narrowest and pettiest. For example, I have often heard Mr. Gedge, the landlord of the Royal Oak, who used to turn a bloodshot eye on his neighbours in the village of Shepperton, sum up his opinion of the people in his own parish—and they were all the people he knew—in these emphatic words: “Aye, sir, I've said it often, and I'll say it again, they're a poor lot i' this parish—a poor lot, sir, big and little.” I think he had a dim idea that if he could migrate to a distant parish, he might find neighbours worthy of him; and indeed he did subsequently transfer himself to the Saracen's Head, which was doing a thriving business in the back street of a neighbouring market-town. But, oddly enough, he has found the people up that back street of precisely the same stamp as the inhabitants of Shepperton—“a poor lot, sir, big and little, and them as comes for a go o' gin are no better than them as comes for a pint o' twopenny—a poor lot.”

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Lament for a Son

In sharing his own laments, Nicholas Wolterstorff has given us a gift.  Christians are often hard-pressed to confront grief with honesty.  In Lament for a Son, Wolterstorff removes the rose-colored glasses, and eschews Stoicism in favor of an honest wrestling with the reality of Death and the presence (or absence) of God in it.  His honesty is akin to Lewis's in A Grief Observed, though his dominant voice is one of wounding rather than anger.
 
Here are a couple of brief passages:

“All these things I recognize. I remember delighting in them —trees, art, house, music, pink morning sky, work well done, flowers, books. I still delight in them. I’m still grateful. But the zest is gone. The passion is cooled, the striving quieted, the longing stilled. My attachment is loosened. No longer do I set my heart on them. I can do without them. They don’t matter. Instead of rowing, I float. The joy that comes my way I savor. But the seeking, the clutching, the aiming, is gone. I don’t suppose anyone on the outside notices. I go through my paces. What the world gives, I still accept. But what it promises, I no longer reach for. 

I’ve become an alien in the world. I don’t belong anymore. When someone loved leaves home, home becomes mere house.”
 
"I skimmed some books on grief. They offered ways of *not* looking death and pain in the face, ways of TURNING AWAY from death out there to one's own inner 'grief process' and then, on that, laying the heavy hand of rationality. I will not have it so. I will not look away. I will indeed remind myself that there is more to life than pain. I will accept joy. But I will not look away from Eric dead. Its demonic awfulness I will not ignore. I owe that--to him and to God." 
 
"Someone said to Claire, 'I hope you're learning to live at peace with Eric's death.' Peace. Shalom. Shalom is the fulness of life in all dimensions. Shalom is dwelling in justice and delight with God, with neighbor, with oneself, in nature. Death is shalom's mortal enemy. Death is demonic. We cannot live at peace with death.
 
When the writer of Revelation spoke of the coming day of shalom, he did not say that one day we would live at peace with death. He said that on that day 'There will be no more death or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'

I shall try to keep the wound from healing, in recognition of our living still in the old order of things. I shall try to keep it from healing, in solidarity with those who sit beside me on humanity's mourning bench."  

Like Lewis, Wolterstorff ends with his trust in the Trinitarian God fully intact, but you know and feel the lingering shadow of death even in his words of hard-won faith.