Life In a #MeToo World: To My Brothers

Part 3 in a series. For context: Part 1: One Woman's Experience, and Part 2: To My Sisters

You, my Brothers, are under fire. Probably from multiple angles, depending on how many of these descriptors apply to you: straight, white, American, wealthy, Christian. You might be assumed to be a homophobic, racist, xenophobic, intolerant, misogynist seeking to actively oppress...merely by belonging to any of those categories. That, of course, is unjust. It's tiring to have the worst possible motives assigned to you at every turn and is therefore NOT my intent to pile on or bash you, individually or collectively, for your maleness. The fact that you are a man does not make you The Enemy.

At the same time, we would all be foolish to deny that the current heightened conversation around privilege and power, specifically as embodied in the #MeToo movement, has risen out of and is legitimized by the negative life experiences of countless women, and cannot be ignored. This volatile, hyper-sensitized "new world" likely feels unsettling and unfamiliar. You may not know how to navigate it, but discomfort and uncertainty are the perpetual companions of change and we desperately need change. The reality is that the women of the #MeToo movement as a whole, gain nothing from turning the tables and demoralizing or minimizing you. That doesn't mean some won't try to do that, but many of us have fathers, husbands, sons, and male friends we care deeply about, and are not out to destroy men. You are not only a necessary agent in fostering the change we seek, but you may be our most crucial ally. We need you.

Because I also fit some of the descriptors above (white, American, Christian), I too have experienced how difficult it can be to hear...I mean REALLY hear...narratives other than my own and which my own experiences seem to invalidate. It's uncomfortable. Unnerving even. Those narratives usually come from someone who is wholly "other" - other race, other nationality, other gender, other generation, other social strata, other belief system - and otherness can be hard to access in meaningful ways. That "otherness" springs from disparate experiences which have shaped our view of and our way of being in the world. We operate inside belief systems and cultures that are so familiar to us that we DON"T EVEN RECOGNIZE how our beliefs, words, attitudes, and actions can hurt others. We acclimate to what we know and become blind to the ways our system diminishes, ignores, silences, or even denigrates the voices of those who cry out against it. Is it even possible to step outside of our norms to hear, see, and understand the other? I believe it is, but not without great effort and intentionality.

What can you as a man do? Have you been put in a no-win situation? I don't think so. Here's how you might begin:

Learn to Listen

Entering into another's perspective starts by hearing them. Only through listening, WITHOUT DEFENDING MYSELF OR A SYSTEM THAT IS SAID TO FAVOR ME, and listening again, and listening again, until I hear and feel what my brother or sister feels will I begin to understand the need for change. I encourage you to hold back your urge to defend, counter-attack, or dismiss. Instead:

• Meditate on the stories and quotes of those with whom you disagree.
• Check your instinct to ignore stories that elicit an immediate "that can't be true" or "that's a mischaracterization" or "that's hyperbolic" from your heart or mouth.
• Remind yourself that just because you would never do such a thing, doesn't mean no man would or hasn't. Remind yourself that many likable, highly-regarded men have proven to be unapologetic scoundrels.
• Pay special attention to those whose narratives make you squirm. In that place where you don't WANT to listen, is the place your ears can be trained to really hear.
• Resist the temptation to latch onto narratives of women who deny a problem exists and then claim it as the only possible truth ("aha!...here is a REASONABLE woman who should be listened to!") merely because her perspective coincides with your own. As I pointed out in a prior post, our reasons for doing so can be various and potentially complex (mine certainly were). The fact that some women have either not experienced any abusive behavior from men, or have denied, suppressed, or overcome it, does not nullify the grief of countless women who have been abused, rejected, oppressed, put out, silenced, dehumanized, or otherwise poorly served by the prevailing culture.

Labor to Understand

Rather than lament your cause, embrace the opportunity at hand. You have the chance, perhaps for the first time ever, to personally and collectively experience what it means to be oppressed. Do you realize that the current cries of "everything we do now is scrutinized and misinterpreted" or "we can't even exist in the world without accusation and assumption of guilt" or "my motives are assumed and questioned at every turn" are cries of "voicelessness" and a primary defining experience of the oppressed? Being disregarded, mocked, caricatured, and silenced are chains which women of the #MeToo movement are striving to break. You are being handed a golden opportunity to CREATE THE MOST GOOD out of this difficult moment by genuinely UNDERSTANDING what it means to be innocent and have aspersion cast on you. Seize the opportunity to learn the beautiful painful lesson of deep-seated empathy by entering into others' experiences of oppression. Use this opportunity to gain the wisdom that comes from being pushed down.

Look in The Mirror

Are you innocent? Perhaps. Even if you have no egregious violations of women in your history, I encourage you to examine your own heart for previously unrecognized beliefs, perspectives, attitudes, or assumptions, that minimize, objectify, trivialize, utilitize, or otherwise overtly or subtly leave (or put) women "in their place." Be brave enough to topple the status quo. Shine light in every corner to expose dark deeds and don't refuse to acknowledge what you find. Labor to recognize the ways personal attitudes and institutional systems have intentionally or inadvertently fostered conditions that have allowed so many misdeeds to thrive.

Live in Love

A life of love moves beyond listening, learning, and looking in the mirror. A relentless underlying desire for healing and peace and reconciliation demands more. In the same way my black brothers and sisters need me (because I am not black) to help break the bonds of systemic injustice; just as refugees need me (because I am not displaced) to help break the bonds of exile; my sisters all around the world and I need our Brothers (because you are not women) to help break our bonds.

This is exceedingly difficult as it requires sustained attention, dismantling of assumptions, an endless well of empathy, and the desire, will, and energy to change. It is wearying, and sometimes feels impossible. But I don't believe it IS.

At this moment in history, the greater burden is on you, Brothers. And I believe many of you are up for the challenge. I believe we can move toward each other with wisdom and genuine care so that we can all move toward that place of shalom we long for.