There was a time not so long ago when I would have rolled my eyes at the current conversation around racism. It pains me to admit that, but it's the truth. It wasn't because I hated black people or thought their lives didn't matter, but because my view of the world, my knowledge, my framework, and my experiences were even more limited than they are today. Should I be ashamed of that? I don't know...my life experiences were what they were and had left me without any context for understanding.
Those experiences are STILL limited. The framework is still being built. I have not arrived. But my knowledge is growing, and I have a lens of new experiences through which I can see more clearly and listen with greater empathy.
So, what exactly changed? How did I move from a place of indifference and scorn to a place of interest and engagement? There's only 1 answer to that question...and shocking as it may be, it was not through a piece of profound journalism, or an activist's speech, or some compelling political platform, or even through a social media rant. I KNOW?!?! What else IS there??
The change in me came through RELATIONSHIPS. Plain and simple. Real relationships with real people.
The first of those was a friendship that developed only 6 years ago with a gentleman I'll call W. W was a smart, articulate, funny, insightful, and deeply caring coworker. Because he was also full of confidence - ok for real...he's a retired Air Force pilot so I might as well call it what it was - because he was full of swagger, he wasn't put off by my strong personality and we became fast friends.
As you may recall, 6 years ago (2014) brought us Michael Brown and soon after, Colin Kaepernick (and other very public racially-charged incidents, but these were the two we talked of most). For the first time in my life I had a black friend who wasn't afraid of my very sheltered white perspective. Nor did he write me off as a lost cause simply because I didn't "get it." Because we liked, loved, and trusted each other enough to reveal our truths and to hear each other, I could ask blunt questions without fear of offending, and I could listen to him because his experiences, his life, and his actions were 100% aligned with his words. Those words worked on me...hell...they STILL work on me today. I'm still changing because of his words...words that I couldn't truly hear from a stranger but COULD hear from a friend. As much as I imagine my perspective pained him, W was winsome and thoughtful in challenging me. If he had shouted angry words in my face or demeaned me in his refutations, I'd be the same person today I was then. Relationship doesn't allow us to shout one another down...distance does. Relationship demands that we speak with regard for the other's history and humanity...screens allow us to depersonalize the conversation. Relationship demands patience. My perspective didn't change overnight, but W planted seeds that with time and watering and light, have begun to grow and produce fruit.
The next influence was a set of relationships that began in 2017 when I worked for a brief, but impactful, time at the Christian Activity Center in East St. Louis. The 30-year veteran leader at this youth center was a dedicated man who immediately began schooling me on the history of East STL. It became abundantly clear that if I wanted to work effectively in this atmosphere, I had to listen to, read, watch, and otherwise immerse myself in the history of this people and their place. The desire to grow in these genuine relationships sent me on an educational pursuit to connect these beautiful, resilient people to their tortured past and painful present.
That education peeled the scales from my eyes and collapsed walls around my heart. It demanded that I no longer avert my eyes from the ugly truths of how this city, these neighborhoods, these former "Samuel Gompers" homes, and their inhabitants have come to be what they are today. In this process of education, I began to see for the first time how SYSTEMS create and/or sustain prejudice. I began to see how we build systems that inherently favor me and mine, whether unconsciously (due to limited perspective or our natural bent toward self-preservation) or consciously (with the known intent of holding back, stopping, or eliminating the progress of The Other); whether overtly (by crushing him to the ground with burdens too heavy to bear) or covertly (by ensuring he feels small and unworthy of questioning the way things are).
I began to see how my old ways of thinking were not only naive, but misguided and passively reinforcing the brokenness. I began to understand the power of symbols in honoring the painful narratives of the past to the hurt and detriment of my brothers and sisters...my neighbors. I had to start letting go of long-held ideas and assumptions and BELIEFS. My worldview had to be dismantled. As I've addressed previously, that is always an uncomfortable place. Certainty *feels* much safer, but living in untruth is never a safe place to be, no matter how secure it FEELS.
Another change happened in my life leading up to the development of these relationships. I went through an experience of deep suffering that included injustices perpetrated by a church system in which men are valued more highly than women. (I have been largely silent on this, because until recently, I still cared how I was perceived and was afraid of the consequences...I am no longer bound by those fears. I also know these men are adept at justifying - even moralizing - their unjust actions, and in doing so have no qualms about manipulating partial truths into convincing arguments that are easily digested by those who need to believe them. But distance and long years of wrestling have freed me to see clearly and name actions for what they were/are.) The point: experiencing systemic injustice which not only sustains but guards the status quo, and watching those with authority circle the wagons to protect existing power structures and control the narrative, not only opened my eyes to the REALITY of unjust systems, but also allowed me to enter the arena with a new kind of empathy I may not otherwise have known. I suppose I owe a debt of gratitude to those men who inadvertently gave me a beautiful gift...the gift of open eyes which then led to an open heart. Pain and rejection be damned - I wouldn't trade that for anything. (note added: for the sake of people I love, let me clarify that this did not involve Covenant Presbyterian Church!)
While that experience informed my current viewpoint, the bottom line is, it probably would not have not have translated in application to racial injustice APART FROM THE RELATIONSHIPS I mentioned above. The experience was a *gateway* that put me on a path to hearing with understanding.
For my friends who are in the place I was a few years ago: I still have "what about" questions that remain unanswered to this day, and the more I listen to loud public voices who address these questions, the more conflicted I become ...UNTIL, I talk to real everyday people in real everyday life...UNTIL I reengage in RELATIONSHIP. The voices that matter most are those without a larger agenda...and I mean ANY larger agenda! I don't just mean the Marxists or the social justice warriors, I also mean the Constitutionalists and the self-reliance warriors. These voices want us to choose a side, support a cause, click a link, bolster a movement, or dig our heels in where we've always stood and call it principled conviction. ALWAYS ask yourself what the speaker, organization, or movement stands to gain from his/her position, even when - no...ESPECIALLY when - their position matches your own.
You see, when the conversation turns ugly and everyone is hurling hatred and anger, it's tempting to abandon the conversation, to throw our hands in the air and give up. It's too hard or too violent or not getting us anywhere except further away from each other. BUT...when I turn off the voices "out there" and I talk to Joe Coworker, his interest is not an ideology. His interest isn't power or money. His interest is his own and his children's dignity...their ability to move through the world as FULLY human...without judgement, assumptions, suspicion, scorn, or contempt. He simply wants the privilege of being given the benefit of the doubt. That is a conversation I cannot abandon...nor do I want to. The voice of Joe Coworker grounds me and focuses the conversation where it ought to be. It wrests it from the sphere of public discourse marked by incivility, to the very personal realm of loving my flesh-n-blood, looking-me-in-the-eyes neighbor.
I firmly believe the only life-altering way forward is not education, civil discourse, politics, voting, protests, or laws - these can all be helpful pieces of the puzzle, but real change will only grow out of RELATIONSHIPS. It's in the daily, intentional, unspectacular, ordinary, unsung sharing of ourselves with one another; the willingness to reveal ourselves; to see, hear, and embrace The Other with open hearts; and to move forward together in brotherly love.
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