Her mother, at age 4, was sexually abused by a relative.
Her innocent 7 and 8-year-old sisters encountered an
exhibitionist neighbor who exposed himself to them while they were riding bikes
in the neighborhood.
Her 11-year-old sister was approached by a pedophile who pulled
his car up to their house under the guise of asking for help while exposing and
stimulating himself.
Her 5th grade friend was sexually assaulted by a third friend's
father while the three spent the night in his home.
Her intellectually disabled aunt was sexually abused as a teen
by one of her trusted primary care givers.
Her 16-year-old sister was pursued and propositioned by a
trusted youth pastor.
Her teenaged friends and acquaintances - well over a dozen of
them - were pursued, propositioned, and abused by this same youth pastor who
retained his position of authority.
Her high school Bible teacher sexually abused multiple
co-students.
Her pastor sensually massaged her shoulders while teaching her
how to develop film in a darkroom at age 13.
Her boss forced her against the wall and pressed his middle-aged
body into hers while praising her 21-year-old figure.
Her roommate was raped and murdered in their shared home.
Her friend and co-worker was assaulted and raped in the safety
of her own home just two weeks later.
All before her 25th birthday.
She doesn’t yet talk publicly about the second 25 years in order
to protect those who aren’t ready for exposure, but abuses of sexuality and
authority have remained a consistent thread in her narrative. As you
might imagine, she sometimes finds living and loving in that world a wearisome
task. When her struggles appear to me to be unnecessarily prolonged, I step
back and see the slow-growing good that signals light, and growth, and
glory, and transformation and know that even her small victories are hard
won mercies.
She trusts slowly, but continues to engage the world around her.
She is a fortress of defense mechanisms, yet labors to be
vulnerable.
She tirelessly uproots bitterness so it will not choke out
beauty in the garden of her heart.
She is predisposed to fight but desires to be gentle.
She expends a great deal of energy taming her pervasive cynicism
with intentional gratitude.
She appears tough and strong and self-sufficient, but mostly to
guard the underlying fragility.
She fiercely longs for that day when “everything sad will come
untrue.”
In the meantime, she strives to shed light in the dark spaces
and be a conduit for healing and hope for the vulnerable.
I know this about her...
Because She is Me.
2 comments:
Thank you Lori for opening your life to all who read your blog. I had no idea the depth of all that was mentioned and am so sorry (shocked and angry) for the pain that your life experiences and those you love and care for have had to endure. As I first started reading my heart was breaking for the women involved and remembering situations in my own life--not to this extent--and then BOOM--the realization that it was your life. So many emotions that I went through. I am speechless--or typeless as to what to say. Just know that I am praying for you and pray that the Lord will continue to heal you and all who have been abused. Don't want to be trite with what I say so I will stop now except for this-- taking verses out of context so here goes--"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
I didn't see this comment til today (it went to my spam folder). Thank you for your kind words, "Anonymous" :)
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