For Want of Wit: 14

My friend, Angie, brought me 10 pounds of freshly-picked blueberries from Michigan last week.  Of course, I immediately set out to find folks willing to take pies off my hands.  So...this sweet, sophisticated, lovely mother of one of my girlfriends tells me she would LOVE to have a pie for her very special company which is coming on Tuesday (which is now today). 

As I dutifully - and cheerfully, of course - set out to make her pie this morning, I realized I was out of cornstarch.  I hate going to the grocery store...but one can't very well make blueberry pie filling without cornstarch, so I had no choice.  I ran out and bought some.

But I encountered a problem.  When I added the sugar and cornstarch, my "filling" foamed up and then looked like this...which is not quite right.  OK...it's not AT ALL right.

I had boiled the blueberries the night before so I concluded that they must have fermented a bit, causing this strange phenomenon.  No problem.  I have lots more berries.  I set out to make batch # 2.

Once again, I had the same result...with freshly-boiled berries!!  DARN!  It must be that cornstarch I bought.  It does say, "No aluminum"...maybe that's a BAD thing???

So...I ran to the store (the only thing I hate more than running to the grocery store, is doing it twice in 30 minutes) and I bought the brand of cornstarch I normally use...none of this "aluminum-free" stuff. 

"And just to be safe," I think, "I'll use a different pan this time. Maybe there's some strange chemical reaction with this pan...although I'm quite certain I've used it before."

Would you believe it?  It happened AGAIN!!!  The filling foamed up immediately when I added the sugar and cornstarch, spilling over the sides of the pan, before falling into a flat, nasty-colored mess! 

 

Suddenly, I begin to feel like I am going out of my head!  What can possibly be the problem??!!  I have already made a DOZEN of these pies this summer and every single one has turned out fine....HOW IN HEAVEN'S NAME CAN THIS SAME FLUKE HAPPEN 3 TIMES IN A ROW???!!!  It doesn't make sense!!  Think!  Think, Lori!  What else is different?

"Maybe it's the sugar.  I did open a new bag of sugar.  There must be something wrong with it.  Or maybe these berries have been sitting for too long and aren't fresh enough?"  So...I ran back to the store (did I mention I hate going to the grocery store?) and bought a new pound of sugar and some even "fresher" blueberries.  I determined to be smart this time and eliminate 2 more variables at once.  Brilliant. 

By this time, I only have about an hour before my boys are leaving with my car, so I have to get this pie made and delivered within the hour.  You'll never guess what happened??  No really.  IT HAPPENED AGAIN!! 

"What in the devil is going on here??!!  Am I out of my freaking mind??!  I cannot fail this lady!  I made a promise!"  I begin to panic before finally accepting the fact that God, in His electing providence, determined beforehand that He did not want these people having blueberry pie tonight.  Or else He wants me to experience the humiliation of having to admit I am an utter failure.  SO...I do it.  I call this prim and proper lady (who has likely never let anyone down in her entire life) to tell her I have failed.

Thankfully, I get the answering machine.  Somehow that feels safer to me.  I begin,  "Hi, Mrs. K.  This is Lori Shaffer calling to tell you that for some reason I simply cannot seem to make a pie filling this morning! (nervous laughter) It keeps foaming up on me...it's SO BIZARRE!  I have bought new sugar, new blueberries, new baking powd.........uh...uh...I'll call you back."

BAKING POWDER!!!!  BAKING POWDER!!!  Are you SERIOUS, Lori!!??  You have just made 4 batches of blueberry pie filling with BAKING POWDER instead of CORNSTARCH!! 

I didn't know whether to be elated that my problem was solved...or mortified at my utter stupidity.  I chose both.

SO...this time, in order to maximize my very limited time, I began batch #5 and sent my teenage son to the store to buy MORE cornstarch:

Thankfully, he's slightly less of an imbecile than his mother.  He actually bought cornstarch.  And I?  I successfully made a blueberry pie, while choking down a healthy dose of not-so-sweet humble pie.