Saturday, June 30, 2012

12 Steps to Creating an Addiction

Step 1:  Ask savvy friend who already built a set, where to begin.  He directed me to these instructions:  These were perfect for a rookie like me.

Step 2:  Pluck up the courage to actually DO it.

Step 3:  Head to Lowe's for my a Sunday dress and high heels, no less (I had to go straight from a job interview!).  I found that men were anxious, but fearful of offering help.  I suppose they've been blasted a few too many times.  One gentlemen customer decided to school me on choosing "true" 2x4's.  Another informed me that Lowe's would cut the wood for me, if I wanted them to...for free even.  One male employee asked, "Now, you know you have to drill a pilot hole before inserting those wood screws, right?"  Mostly, the offers were to make sure I was finding what I needed.  It was a little comical, to be sure.  I tried to be extra interested in their advice and receive it all graciously, hoping to partially salvage the reputation of surly, independent, "I don't need men" women.

Step 4:  Haul the lumber out of my car into the 110 degree heat and wonder for the first of many times, "What was I thinking?"

Step 5:  Follow instructions.  I discovered that building is a lot like sewing: get the materials they tell you to get, have the right tools on hand, follow the step-by-step instructions and wah-lah!!  You have a finished product!

Phase one:

 Step 6:  Bend.  Squat. Hydrate!  Bend.  Kneel.  Squat.  Stretch.  Hydrate!

Step 7:  Consult YouTube: How to use a jigsaw

Step 8:  Consult YouTube:  How to use a miter saw  

Step 9:  Hide the stuff from Shaf every night (it's a SURPRISE!  THAT may have been my stupidest move...yes, let me haul 50+ lbs. of lumber in and out of my car every night...why not?)

Step 10:  Create and apply ugly black and orange SF Giants design.  

Step 11:  Head to Hancock's for duck cloth.  The fabric cutters always ask what you're making, right?  So I tell her and she says, "Oh yeah...we used to call that Toss Across."  Exactly.  I'm making a Toss Across set for a grown man.

Fear the Beard corn bags in the making:

Step 12:  Present final product to satisfied customer.  Score MAJOR  brownie points.


I'm tired, I need a new back, and I have "orders" to build 3 more sets.  But if you'll excuse me, I think I'll head back to the world of women to have tea with my girlfriends at The London Tea Room.  Pinkies up!


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness! You're so handy! (Side note: one of the things I LOVE about living in the South is that there aren't as many of the Blasting-type feminists to make men timid to help a sista out in the aisle of the hardware store. I can't walk ten feet without a nice man offering to assist me and I love that. Chivalry ain't dead yet. Of course, it helps that I smile. And dress like a girl.)

Have a cuppa for me, hey?


Lori Shaffer said...

Thanks, Laura (not sure which Laura this is...I have two options).

Cheers to you with my vanilla tea and blueberry cake!

Nelson said...

This is impressive.

Lori Shaffer said...

Thanks, Nelson! :)