AQI: Because You Care

Ever notice, as you're speeding along on the freeway, the AQI indicators parked along the side of the road? What, you ask, is an AQI indicator? You know...that guilt-inducing mobile unit that announces to you - now that you're halfway to work already - that the Air Quality Index (AQI) today is RED and you should be carpooling so that all the elderly, the children and the asthmatics don't die on account of your reckless, self-absorbed, single-passenger, behavior? Yeah...that thing.

In spite of my mildly cynical attitude toward the EPA, I find that this little machine can conjure up feelings of guilt or relief. As if I need any more reasons to feel guilty! I grew up as an independent fundamental Baptist for crying out loud...guilt is a Pavlovian response! But who wants to feel guilty for driving alone in their car? Not I, said the pig. Afterall, when else am I going to listen to MY music, at MY preferred volume, without enduring mocking, scorn and whining? When else am I going to unreservedly speak my piece to people who aren't even present? Driving without company can be therapeutic! But...I digress.

Imagine with me for a moment how useful this AQI technology could be when otherwise employed. Here's my suggestion. Some genius needs to invent an AQI for humans: an Attitude Quality Index which measures the amount of smog in the soul. Simply install a microchip which detects the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual state of an individual at any given moment and displays an LED warning for all who approach...you know, sort of a technologically-advanced version of the mood ring:

Attitude Quality Today:

Green - full speed ahead. Attitude Quality is safe and poses very little to no risk for others. This is the time to broach difficult subjects if you prefer to avoid major meltdowns; or simply sit back and enjoy the smooth ride. Playful banter and socializing encouraged.

Yellow - proceed with caution. Attitude quality is acceptable; however, there may be a moderate relationship concern for a very small number of people who are unusually sensitive to indifference or irritability. Limit exposure to contentious topics, focusing instead on neutral material.

Red - stop. Right there. NOW!! Attitude quality is volatile and no one is safe from exposure to The Silent Treatment or Irrational Emotional Outbursts. No amount of caution will alleviate the danger. Avoid confrontation at all costs...unless, of course, you enjoy a hearty row.

Just think of the implications! You would know if the checker in the supermarket was having a bad day...and could absorb her rudeness with a smile and an encouraging word. Or you could discern that today is the day to press that child of yours to hunt down and remove all crusty, moldy food particles from his room because he's having a "green" sort of day, which means he won't balk at your "unreasonable" request. Or perhaps the hub sees the AQI on RED and wisely avoids asking that all-dreaded, accusatory question, "What did you do today?"

Peace activists around the world...unite! You want world peace? Easy. Invent the human AQI.