Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Gift

Recently, I received this beautifully-wrapped package from one of my girlfriends:

I couldn't wait to see what was inside...I mean, how could this not contain something splendid? wanna know what I found?  Do ya?  Huh??


It was...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

THIS!  Ta-da!!

I suppose the fact that she even bothered means that she thinks there is a measure of hope for me...that I'm not a completely lost cause.  And...that's a good thing.  Right?

I learned a great deal from this book - infinitely more than I ever wanted to know! - about how to stop looking OL (Old Lady) and start looking Y&H (Young & Hip).  Mainly, I learned that I am guilty of many, MANY OL fashion faux-pas.

I also discovered that I am what they call a "low-maintenance" least in the beauty department.  This is determined by how much time and money one is willing to spend to look fabulous and basically, I am cheap and lazy!

Each chapter has a "Nothing Ages You Like..." section.  Here are a few suggestions about what NOT to do, most of which I violate:

Too short bangs - Oops
Too long hair - Oh well...
An updo - But...
Gray hair - I refuse to cover it!
Unkempt, shapeless eyebrows - Maybe I'm proud that my unibrow has more hair than some folks have on their entire heads!
Black eyeliner - Darn
Bifocals -  No word on TRI-focals, though, so I guess I'm OK on this one!
Pale legs - It's called GENES, people!
Looking too tan - But I don't want pale legs!
Forehead lines - Hmph...
Crows feet - Hmph...
Lip lines - Hmph...
Smile lines - Hmph...
Sagging skin - It's called GRAVITY...Hellooo!
Age spots - I just call them freckles and suddenly feel like an adolescent.
A mouthful of silver fillings - Oh, I gotta rip out my old dental work and start over!  I don't THINK so!
Ridged nails - Guilty
Discolored nails - Guilty
Veiny hands - Guilty
Bony hands - Guilty

WARDROBE: - Guilty on all counts...
Looking like you tried too hard
Clothes that are too young
Baggy Jeans
Too-tight Jeans
Faded Jeans
Embellished Jeans
Your daughter's Jeans
Over-sized earrings maybe I have more than a little work to do if I wanna replace my OL look with the Y&H look.  So as not to be overwhelmed, I do hereby highly resolve to limit myself to one simple baby step at a time.  

Baby Step 1:  Gain 10 pounds to eliminate bony hands, veiny hands and sagging skin.

GAIN weight??!  I can DO this!!


annie said...

You're hilarious! And, I think that I qualify for everything except for the bangs, bifocals and looking too tan. I'm sure that the bifocals are coming, though, and I WISH that I could look too tan because, if I could, I totally would.

This reminds me of that Dolly Parton quote in Steel Magnolias when she says something like, "Honey, time marches on. And, after a while, you realize that it is marching across your face."


Lori Shaffer said...

Haha! Great quote by Dolly.

Believe me when I say I only listed a very truncated list of the fashion rules I violate! Oh well. :-)

Oriana said...

You are SO Y&H, Mrs Shaffer! Love ya... ;)

Lori Shaffer said...

Oh, Oriana, dear. You just scored yourself some serious points! :-)